Women Can’t Have it All.
Here’s some raw food for thought for anyone who is listening…
A wise friend once told me that women can’t have it all, at least not at the same time. I didn’t want to believe her then, but now I do.
I think there’s a time and place for everything in life: a #career, #relationships, #love, personal life, and your own self care. As for me, I’ve dedicated the last ten years to my career and it’s always been my number 1 priority. I’ve always been very driven and motivated to climb up the corporate ladder, work my ass off, dedicate 200% of my time to my job. It’s just how I am wired. The problem with this type of ‘wiring’ is that I don’t know how to create a balance in my life: how to make time for relationships, for love, or how to take time for myself.
Take this anecdote for example: after I graduated from the MBA program in 2011, I moved to Washington D.C, and took a job with a software company. I had a very demanding career in software sales, which required me to travel oversees a few times a month. I met a wonderful guy but I had a hard time figuring out how to balance my commitment to the job and my commitment to him. In the end, the relationship ended because I was always away on the job. I missed many important life moments, such as weddings, birthdays, family events. I knew friends were disappointed in me. Work was my security blanket and it was also my identity. Two times in a row, I saw love slip through my hands because I didn’t know how to balance work and life. I really regret it.
When my step dad started to have legal troubles in 2016, financial trouble followed. We lost almost all our properties in #Miami, #foreclosed. I was personally foreclosed on — without even being properly served. All completely illegal. I saw the underbelly of the #judicial system, experienced it full force. I saw my family being torn apart right before my eyes. What did I do? I put it behind me, and I worked extra hard, dedicating all my time to my career, pushing 60 hour weeks to stay afloat and keep my mind occupied. I had no time for a relationship; I barely had time for myself! I didn’t have any bandwidth to spare, as all of my time and energy went into my work. I was so miserable inside, but my career was flourishing. I was passionate and I had purpose on the outside; but on the inside, I was in hell and my soul was crying. The world saw my progress, but not my pain.
Fast forward to September 2019, I crashed and burned. I called my father in Germany, in tears, at a point of a nervous breakdown. I asked if he would still be proud of me if I left my job and came to Germany for a few months. I told him, “ I know you wanted me to have a career, but I can’t right now. I miss my family and I can’t do life alone anymore.” He said, “ drop everything, and come right now.” And so I did. I was finally career free!
I left Miami in 2019 for a short sabbatical but due to COVID, it was extended for quite a while! On flip side, for the first time in over a decade, I finally had TIME. At first, it felt weird not having a routine. I was in panic. I felt useless. But overtime, those feelings were replaced with happiness and gratefulness of being able to spend time with my family. I spent three months in Germany with my dad, more than I ever spent with him in past two decades!
It’s May 24, 2021 — we, as a collective, are going into our second year of a pandemic, and I am still afloat. I’ve done a lot in the last year and five months — none of which includes a career, and I am very much OK with that.
I developed myself as a leader with National Council of Jewish Women, serving on the Section Advisory Council for also Board of Directors for #NCJWMiami. I am lucky to have been nominated for another two years with NCJW Miami! I always wanted to serve on a board and volunteer in social justice sphere, but work always got in the way of that. I completed a consulting project (always wanted to do that!) with USAID; started my own wellness coaching company (still in the early stages, but it’s a start) and founded a social justice project helping incarcerated individuals.
I stepped outside of my comfort zone and I learned to trust my instincts and my gut. I knew deep inside of me that I needed to take the sabbatical and pursue my own path, regardless of the uncertainty + the risk. My projects are still ongoing, it’s taken a bit of time to launch, but that’s ok. Rome wasn’t build in a day! In the meantime, I earned my 200 hours yoga teacher training certificate, learned how to cook from scratch, and started a food blog. When I was working mad hours, I never had time to cook nor to actually learn. I relied on #mealdelivery services and restaurants, deprived myself of self care and nutritious food choices. I was so overwhelmed with work and my personal circumstances, I didn’t have the mental bandwidth to learn how to take care of myself. I am finally prioritizing my own wellness, putting my own needs first…which I neglected for years. I am spending time with family, enjoying precious moments with my brother, mom and doggies. I am doing all the things I never had time for, because my work & career always came first.
While I no longer have a flourishing career or a steady monthly income, I am happy. Happier than I felt in years. I am no longer defined nor consumed by work; I am not no longer sacrificing my health and wellness or stressing over a small mistake I made on the job. My career wasn’t my life’s purpose. What gives me purpose now ? Life. Movement. Laughter. What am I passionate about? I am still passionate about #innovation, #technology and #startups. I don’t have to work in this area to be passionate about it. I am also passionate about social justice, criminal justice reform, human rights. In fact, I have been interested in these issues my whole life. I just never had the time to advocate for for them. And, now I do.
Even though, I don’t have a job (although I am looking and interviewing) I am proud of myself, and where I am at this point in my life. I fully understand all that I have sacrificed to get here. Despite of what anyone may think or say about me, I know that I am ENOUGH just as I am. I won’t settle for a job that I don’t like and I will embrace my worth. I need to follow my instincts and create my own path regardless of other people’s judgements and expectations of me. When the time is right, I’ll get back on the career bandwagon…. and watch out when I do, it will full throttle.
I know that many #women are facing similar situations — sacrificing relationships and family for a career. Or sacrificing a career and a work identity for their personal life. It feels like there is an imbalance — like a seesaw. Why does it have to be this way? Why is no one talking about this?
